things.. and stuff and my Puppy!

been just rolling along…. working, doing mom stuff…

Ivan the day I brought him home.. SIX WEEKS AGO…

and he has at LEAST quadrupled in size!

He is a very smart puppy… I forgot how focused a GSD can be…

As I will never pee alone again. but that’s ok.. since my kids grew up a bit I find I have trouble peeing when alone.. lol


so, even with my Ivan keeping me busy.. I have found myself with too much free time.. time to think.. and today I went to Ruby’s Pantry.. a “Pay $20 and get lots more than $20 worth of stuff” place.. cuz I am still kinda poor.. and I ran into my old bosses friend.. who was so glad to see me.. she promised Vi that she would keep an eye on me and she did not know how to get a hold of me these last 8 months.. we talked.. and then.. I cried… quietly.. I tend to deny stress.. pretend that all the Big things…(my friend dying, losing my cows and job, losing my mother, herniating discs in my back, tearing tendons in my knee, frostbite on my toes, MOVING, job hunting.. just so much) going on are really just little things and that I can handle them all.. which I CAN.. but I rarely give into the stress.. I just keep on going.. seeing my beloved friends friend.. made me miss her even more.. little by little I am acknowledging things and working them out.. and in the mean time.. I am trying to remain positive and happy… and mostly.. it’s working.. having a puppy helps..

Hopefully I will be back here regularly again soon..

blacksheep

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Old and new… again

When your current struggles are less than your previous struggles…

And you still sometimes have to sit and count your blessings…

Comparing them to the progress you’ve made… 

When certain movies make you crying mad.. 

When your discontent momentarily overwhelms  your joy… 

When you absolutely must blast some music from old play lists…

 to drown out the nagging little voice in your head that keeps trying to rise above a whisper

 “you could do better, do more”. 

When your work ethic and the needs of your pain filled body conflict. 

 When your children say .. “it’s ok mom, we understand” 

and they shouldn’t have to anymore. 

 When people in your life, just by being their true selves, drag you down and back… 

and you wonder if maybe you’d be better off on your own again… 
But… I’m still ok.  Life is hard but I’m still strong. .

 

I’m quiet and contemplative much of the time… little by little working things out in my head and making plans … plans for a bright future… it’s just moving a little sideways and slower than I’d like. 

As I crawl into bed tonight my head filled with a days accumulation of “stuff and things”

This…

This brings me peace.

Old lady dog and new pup…

Blacksheep 

Sunday Morning Cow church

So.. It seems that I have landed.. at least temporarily.. I have milked on this big farm several times a week for 2 and 1/2 years.. since the house I have been renting for almost 4 years has been sold, we have till the end of the school yer to move.. we are looking for housing on or very near this farm.. The owners value me as an employee and are working hard to get me a place and then I will permanently land here.. if not.. I will keep moving along..

the Sunrise here is beautiful, different but beautiful

The parlor is very nice.. modern and efficient. 17 aside New Zealand Swing Style with automatic takeoffs..

It takes 2 of us and We milk anywhere from a low 150 cows to a high of 225.. it’s funny how I don’t always recognize every face.. but I know who is who by Udder and Moo.. lol

The ladies here are top quality.. and I personally like most of them.. although my absolute favorite lady is out on vacation.. I will introduce her in a few weeks when she gets back..

 

I really hope this position can become permanent and full time for me.. There are learning and growing opportunities here.. I will get to milk full time, do some calf care and be an assistant to the herdsman..

but most of all.. Here there will be safety and security for me and my family..

 

Blacksheep

Sunday morning Cow Church

and

just like that

it was over

16707252_1440558412635461_3437370997804196762_oYesterday at 11:00 I milked the girls for the last time. Then I helped load them up for their trip to a dairy cow auction in southern MN

It was unequivocally one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.. without tears in my eyes for the girls sake..

and then after a unbelievably hard day this happened

After a day (a week really) full of nothing but stress and uncertainty and so . much. anger. directed at me.. the simple kind words of a virtual stranger made the end of this day.. survivable.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you, I know how hard it must be.  Stay strong you never know what might happen. Be kind to yourself you did a great job and I am sure she would be proud of you”  -stranger

and then this stranger sent someone to the auction and maybe.. possibly buy some of the girls… I may never know but at least there is a glimmer of hope for something good for the girls.

Then there was this morning.. for the first day in 4 1/2 years. no work , no cows to milk and my phone died and my alarm did not go off.. so we got up late..

..and

Im now living in a strange world.. where you can drive your kids to school and go to the grocery store all before 9 am.
Just trying to fit in.
Oh…. and no cow and silage smell trailing me everywhere.

not sure what comes next…

I have a part time job that offered me a few more shifts per week but I need full time to support my family..

and then there was

THIS

my landlord sold the house I have been renting.. I have hopefully till my daughters are out of school in June to move..

Perhaps I will divest myself of Everything that won’t fit into a truck and take the girls off on an adventure.. perhaps..

I hope to come back to Sunday Morning Cow Church.. maybe from my part time cow job we can connect again.. or somewhere else..

blacksheep

Sunday Morning Cow Church

A very merry cow church
A heifer Christmas song.
Sung to the tune of jingle bells

Oh the weather outside is frightful
And the cows in here are spiteful
Since we’ve no milk for you
What are those
Watch your toes
Kiss my nose

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Merry Christmas

Blacksheep

Sunday Morning Cow Church

Bonnie gave me a fabulous late birthday present on Friday morning…
A beautiful 99% white heifer
She is the calf that almost wasn’t. .
When I got to the barn Bonnie had been in labor for a while… I watched her for a while and one little foot and a nose popped out and slid back in… so I scrubbed up and went in after the calf.. one leg was wedged under Bonnie’s pelvis. .. with a little rearranging I got both feet forward and 15 seconds later I got a wide eyed face plopping into my arms.
She is full of spunk and spirit.

It is my pleasure to introduce to you..
~My daughter wants to name her marshmallow. lol.~
My little almost ghost heifer.
Adele

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“good Job Bonnie, she was worth waiting for.”

Sunday Morning Cow Church

Sunday morning cow church
Well… where is my birthday baby!?
My Bonnie girl says “when I’m done baking it and not a moment sooner”
…ok, I guess I’ll wait.

15439830_1370682652956371_3734774522369269592_nUdder Devotion…  blacksheep the dairy farmer

Sunday morning cow church


“You are my sunshine my only sunshine..”
I named her that because she was nasty bitchy and horrible and I hoped the song would change her attitude… I sing it to her every day and here we are 18 months later and she is looking for me to sing to her this morning..

15036230_1335940159763954_5921297299579139668_nblacksheep