Old and new… again

When your current struggles are less than your previous struggles…

And you still sometimes have to sit and count your blessings…

Comparing them to the progress you’ve made… 

When certain movies make you crying mad.. 

When your discontent momentarily overwhelms  your joy… 

When you absolutely must blast some music from old play lists…

 to drown out the nagging little voice in your head that keeps trying to rise above a whisper

 “you could do better, do more”. 

When your work ethic and the needs of your pain filled body conflict. 

 When your children say .. “it’s ok mom, we understand” 

and they shouldn’t have to anymore. 

 When people in your life, just by being their true selves, drag you down and back… 

and you wonder if maybe you’d be better off on your own again… 
But… I’m still ok.  Life is hard but I’m still strong. .

 

I’m quiet and contemplative much of the time… little by little working things out in my head and making plans … plans for a bright future… it’s just moving a little sideways and slower than I’d like. 

As I crawl into bed tonight my head filled with a days accumulation of “stuff and things”

This…

This brings me peace.

Old lady dog and new pup…

Blacksheep 

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Sunday morning Cow Church

and

just like that

it was over

16707252_1440558412635461_3437370997804196762_oYesterday at 11:00 I milked the girls for the last time. Then I helped load them up for their trip to a dairy cow auction in southern MN

It was unequivocally one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.. without tears in my eyes for the girls sake..

and then after a unbelievably hard day this happened

After a day (a week really) full of nothing but stress and uncertainty and so . much. anger. directed at me.. the simple kind words of a virtual stranger made the end of this day.. survivable.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you, I know how hard it must be.  Stay strong you never know what might happen. Be kind to yourself you did a great job and I am sure she would be proud of you”  -stranger

and then this stranger sent someone to the auction and maybe.. possibly buy some of the girls… I may never know but at least there is a glimmer of hope for something good for the girls.

Then there was this morning.. for the first day in 4 1/2 years. no work , no cows to milk and my phone died and my alarm did not go off.. so we got up late..

..and

Im now living in a strange world.. where you can drive your kids to school and go to the grocery store all before 9 am.
Just trying to fit in.
Oh…. and no cow and silage smell trailing me everywhere.

not sure what comes next…

I have a part time job that offered me a few more shifts per week but I need full time to support my family..

and then there was

THIS

my landlord sold the house I have been renting.. I have hopefully till my daughters are out of school in June to move..

Perhaps I will divest myself of Everything that won’t fit into a truck and take the girls off on an adventure.. perhaps..

I hope to come back to Sunday Morning Cow Church.. maybe from my part time cow job we can connect again.. or somewhere else..

blacksheep

Sunday Morning Cow Church

Sunday morning cow church
Well… where is my birthday baby!?
My Bonnie girl says “when I’m done baking it and not a moment sooner”
…ok, I guess I’ll wait.

15439830_1370682652956371_3734774522369269592_nUdder Devotion…  blacksheep the dairy farmer

Sunday morning cow church


“You are my sunshine my only sunshine..”
I named her that because she was nasty bitchy and horrible and I hoped the song would change her attitude… I sing it to her every day and here we are 18 months later and she is looking for me to sing to her this morning..

15036230_1335940159763954_5921297299579139668_nblacksheep

PEOPLE are crazy!!

Seriously.. Society and all it participants are fucking NUTS! …just saying

for the first time in 6 months.. I am shutting down and backing the fuck away from those around me.. too much drama.. too much shit.. I spent many many years alone.. isolated on my farm.. and this shit.. these people and their shit.. how they try to blame and drag me and mine into it all.. is just too much for me for a while.. I am going to close and lock the door.. not answer the phone.. gather my dogs and kids close.. go to work and come home.. need people as little as possible.. and let me tell you.. I am a FUCKING MASTER at not needing people.. for long long periods of time..

"told ya somethin was comin.. listen sooner next time"

“told ya somethin was comin.. listen sooner next time”

Time to spend with kids and dogs and horse.. reading books, learning about my job,  taking pics of what moves me.. spinning the yarn I need.. unwinding my brain.. letting people untangle from me, my kids and my life..

Black Sheep

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mares take care of each other

I wrote this in September of last year.. Fall always brings for me a.. “missing him” feeling.. and even tho life for me is so much better here.. sometimes I just find myself.. missing that horse..

Such a long time since the smell of hay has been mixed with the sound of tears.

The why really does not matter tonight.. the why of the tears that is.. The why of the time means more.. but even that matter only to us..

Arms crossed and head bowed with sobs and tears.. One mare stands strong touching an arm and then the other.. pushing slightly in to inspect a cheek.. not a fidget nor a worry.. Not a wrinkle near her eye.. not a purse of her lip.. She knows the how.. somehow.. she knows.

Oh how we both wish the other was with us.. He knew how to comfort us both.. He knew our strength and out weaknesses.. and he knew when a nuzzle was most appropriate.  and when it was time to be done.  He held us up and let us stand on our own.

Tonight we almost smelled him in our barn.. possibly a breeze he had traveled through once..

and She tells me.. It will all be ok.. go ahead and cry.. You are safe and I am you and yours and you are me and mine..  we have loved each others babies.. and laughed and mourned together and too far apart..

You need to be softer.. she whispers.. he always brought that for both of us..

Together we can  cry again and learn to laugh.. once you are done crying.. no matter that you did not come here to cry for him.. you came here to cry… and mares take care of each other.

Black Sheep

Fresh Hot Apple Pie kinda happy

I had all but forgotten how much I love to bake..

baking pie.. cooking soup..my daughter singing and dancing in my kitchen.. dogs lounging quietly, Puppy sleeping in a kids lap.. and a peace in my heart..

This kind of happy.. is why I left.. and what we all need more of..

Black Sheep

Finally Something..

It has been a very tough week..

Not many pictures I have even Tried to take have been worth a crap… I am going to chalk it up to how I have been feeling.. Lost and alone.. sure for just a few minutes at a time.. but the feeling has been just under the surface since I learned my ex is letting the house go back to the bank..  Gone is the small bit of security I had.. gone  and well sure, I’ll be fine.. I’ll manage, do something different than I planned.. all that crap.. but it has colored my perspective a bit for the moment..

looking for a new perspective.. hoping for something to shine for me.

Black Sheep

 

today it rains

yesterday’s sunrise was

view from home

 

on my way to work

Today it is all rain out there..

Today is a     “just make it through the next few moments and you”ll manage” kind of day.. if I can just get through work this morning.. I have tomorrow off .. so I can come home and give in to this fatigue.. I hate to complain about MS because for me it is relatively harmless.. in the grand scheme of things I do pretty well..  but it is always there.. lurking on the edge of my every day.. and sometimes.. roaring on to the scene.. making me recognize it.. unfailingly.. always there.. somewhere..    Mostly I hate that  I still don’t completely understand this disease.. that it keeps changing just as I think I have it figured out and have won a battle it comes up with something new to remind me that this is a life time war..  I really hate that it is like some dirty little secret I have.. something to almost hide.. lie about.. or rather exclude the truth with most people I meet.. it is such a hard thing to explain..
off to work now.. to just make it through this morning.. pretending to be just like anyone else.. and live this life..

Black Sheep