things.. and stuff and my Puppy!

been just rolling along…. working, doing mom stuff…

Ivan the day I brought him home.. SIX WEEKS AGO…

and he has at LEAST quadrupled in size!

He is a very smart puppy… I forgot how focused a GSD can be…

As I will never pee alone again. but that’s ok.. since my kids grew up a bit I find I have trouble peeing when alone.. lol


so, even with my Ivan keeping me busy.. I have found myself with too much free time.. time to think.. and today I went to Ruby’s Pantry.. a “Pay $20 and get lots more than $20 worth of stuff” place.. cuz I am still kinda poor.. and I ran into my old bosses friend.. who was so glad to see me.. she promised Vi that she would keep an eye on me and she did not know how to get a hold of me these last 8 months.. we talked.. and then.. I cried… quietly.. I tend to deny stress.. pretend that all the Big things…(my friend dying, losing my cows and job, losing my mother, herniating discs in my back, tearing tendons in my knee, frostbite on my toes, MOVING, job hunting.. just so much) going on are really just little things and that I can handle them all.. which I CAN.. but I rarely give into the stress.. I just keep on going.. seeing my beloved friends friend.. made me miss her even more.. little by little I am acknowledging things and working them out.. and in the mean time.. I am trying to remain positive and happy… and mostly.. it’s working.. having a puppy helps..

Hopefully I will be back here regularly again soon..

blacksheep

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Old and new… again

When your current struggles are less than your previous struggles…

And you still sometimes have to sit and count your blessings…

Comparing them to the progress you’ve made… 

When certain movies make you crying mad.. 

When your discontent momentarily overwhelms  your joy… 

When you absolutely must blast some music from old play lists…

 to drown out the nagging little voice in your head that keeps trying to rise above a whisper

 “you could do better, do more”. 

When your work ethic and the needs of your pain filled body conflict. 

 When your children say .. “it’s ok mom, we understand” 

and they shouldn’t have to anymore. 

 When people in your life, just by being their true selves, drag you down and back… 

and you wonder if maybe you’d be better off on your own again… 
But… I’m still ok.  Life is hard but I’m still strong. .

 

I’m quiet and contemplative much of the time… little by little working things out in my head and making plans … plans for a bright future… it’s just moving a little sideways and slower than I’d like. 

As I crawl into bed tonight my head filled with a days accumulation of “stuff and things”

This…

This brings me peace.

Old lady dog and new pup…

Blacksheep 

Sunday Morning Cow Church 

 As life keeps on rolling along like it always will.. my daughter’s and I got to take some time this weekend to spend at my dads.      My dad grew up on a dairy farm and milked cows for his family and several neighbors till his early 20’s when he enlisted in the Navy.  My dad loves hearing about my job and I love hearing stories of his life growing up on a dairy farm…. plowing with horses and milking by hand.. his family farm rarely had more than 14 (did I mention .. they milked By Hand!)  but his neighbor milked up to 40 (By Hand).   Stories of how he ONCE tried riding the bull and he always shows me the scar on his leg from the “dismount”. And how he never told his mother how bad it really was..   How on the coldest days of Michigan winters he and his brothers would burrow in the fresh straw with the pigs to warm up… good memories of a life that was often brutally hard but taught him the value of hard work, honesty, integrity and respect.

Here is my father… explaining to my younger daughter why he eats Oatmeal the way he does.. with a separate bowl of milk.. He said they would have a large bowl of oatmeal in the middle of the table and each had their own bowl of milk. .. it saved on dishes and he never liked eating oatmeal “soup”.. a separate bowl of milk let everyone have each bite just the way they liked it.. 

So… my father and my daughter ate oatmeal together Saturday morning each with their own bowl of milk… making a memory that will last each of them a lifetime… moments in life that no amount of money buys… 

….blacksheep

Sunday Morning Cow Church  (Monday edition )

How. Does. He. Manage. THIS?!?

Any halter

Almost every day….

This one horse has lost NINE halters in FOUR years!

In other news,

With more time off and living on the farm I’m working I not only have found time to play with my horses, build nice stalls, put in a container garden (a greenhouse and BIG Garden next year) spin yarn and crochet again regularly.. I have had time to learn to draw!  My mother recently passed away and my younger daughter and I acquired a large out of her art supplies…. I decided I wanted to sketch some flowers…. 

And so… I did.

I am not an artist… have zero talent for any drawing or painting. … but I still like to try. . I spent an entire afternoon this weekend just sketching dandelions… lol

Blacksheep

Sunday Morning Cow Church

Sunday morning cow church
Well… where is my birthday baby!?
My Bonnie girl says “when I’m done baking it and not a moment sooner”
…ok, I guess I’ll wait.

15439830_1370682652956371_3734774522369269592_nUdder Devotion…  blacksheep the dairy farmer

Sunday morning cow church


“You are my sunshine my only sunshine..”
I named her that because she was nasty bitchy and horrible and I hoped the song would change her attitude… I sing it to her every day and here we are 18 months later and she is looking for me to sing to her this morning..

15036230_1335940159763954_5921297299579139668_nblacksheep

Sunday Morning Cow Church

A few weeks ago the oldest cow in the herd.. 14 years old!!  did the baby dance and produced a beautiful heifer calf.. her final calf.. we knew it was time.. last year she stepped on her teats several times… and she took a very long time to get pregnant..

This morning she was calmly and gently put in the shippers trailer and she is making her final ride..

I did not need to pray to know I was making the right decision.. but it seems the universe was ok with things.

Photo0044 - Copy

 

blacksheep

PEOPLE are crazy!!

Seriously.. Society and all it participants are fucking NUTS! …just saying

for the first time in 6 months.. I am shutting down and backing the fuck away from those around me.. too much drama.. too much shit.. I spent many many years alone.. isolated on my farm.. and this shit.. these people and their shit.. how they try to blame and drag me and mine into it all.. is just too much for me for a while.. I am going to close and lock the door.. not answer the phone.. gather my dogs and kids close.. go to work and come home.. need people as little as possible.. and let me tell you.. I am a FUCKING MASTER at not needing people.. for long long periods of time..

"told ya somethin was comin.. listen sooner next time"

“told ya somethin was comin.. listen sooner next time”

Time to spend with kids and dogs and horse.. reading books, learning about my job,  taking pics of what moves me.. spinning the yarn I need.. unwinding my brain.. letting people untangle from me, my kids and my life..

Black Sheep

 

 

 

 

 

 

time…

I have been spending it.. which is ok.. since I have nothing else to spend.. lol

Spending it with my kids, working, getting my feelings hurt.. recovering.. worrying that if I hurt less.. it might mean I miss something.. I just hope it means I am getting smarter.

it has been a while since a photo opportunity has presented it self to me.. and it’s not like I have not been looking.. waiting.. hoping..

Frosty Post

FINALLY!! Some color. FINALLY!! Some color.

Taken with tried and true trusty Ipod.. I am still searching for my camera cord..

so back I go.. to parent, work, and learn.. to hope and dream.. to wait

Black Sheep