I have been going merrily along my way.. getting moved.. healing from hurting my back, working, trying my best to get ready for winter and starting this new life..
and something most people will never know about me is that I have MS.
I don’t tell many people..only the ones who really matter to me. and even then they rarely know what it does to me.. I refuse to show it.
I have pushed on through hell for years.. my kids understand, my closest friends know and understand.. some people will never understand.. some people don’t want to know or understand.. and when some people find out they want nothing more to do with me.. and I am fine with it when people do not want to be in my life because of it.. they do not deserve to be here.
Yesterday I had to go to town for things and stuff.. and it was damn hot.. and I ran into an acquaintance and when I mentioned I wanted to walk on the other side of the street in the shade.. the fucker called me a whiner.. and I struggled to not cry… I struggled to not just turn around and walk the other way.. I should have. Instead I picked up my little girl and struggled on.. I got called crabby.. and I denied it.. I could not end the encounter fast enough.. and this is a person I have no desire to tell.. and no desire to spend a single second with again..
I told someone else last night I have relapsing/remitting MS.. I really have no idea how it will pan out.. but I suspect not well.. new life, new people, new rejections.. inevitable.. but painful non-the-less.
I got home from work this morning.. and both my arms quit working well.. PAIN in them both and in my legs.. and I’m so tired.. if it lasts more than 24 hours and past experience holds true.. I think it will mean a relapse.. for how long? who knows.. but very few people will know.. I will hide it from most..
All I want to do is feel good, go outside and take pictures.. play with my kids.. groom my horse.. spin yarn, make something.. and I cannot do a single one today..
I AM NOT A FUCKING WHINER!!!! but I am having a very hard time this afternoon not giving in and crying.. here.. all alone in my house.. going into my room away from my kids and computer and phone and just..